1) ARrrrr.. shiver me warez
Get yourself a pirated version of Photoshop. No retail version will do, if you bought it, you are guaranteed no success. If you really want to be successful and you bought Photoshop, first thing you'll want to do is head over to KaZaA and get a real, cracked version of it.
This is an essential step in becoming a web designer these days. Without a pirated version of Photoshop, you won't be able to start a sig making site, and "make sigs n avatarz for all of ur friendz".
2) PHONGGGGGGGG?
Learn from absolutely nothing but tutorials. Make sure you can create a set of random photomanipped shards quicker than your mother can add a name to her list of husbands.
Do NOT and I repeat do NOT stray from tutorials... don't experiment in any way with actual techniques that might be useful, and don't learn the basics of Photoshop -- it's far too confusing, I mean, nobody really knows how to use this thing without a tutorial, right?
3) Actual knowledge is nothing but trouble -- take the easy way out!
Get a WYSIWYG editor, Dreamweaver, GoLive, FrontPage, any of the above will do. Make sure it's pirated though, again you will achieve no success with a paid for version of any of these softwarez.
Make sure not to learn any basics of HTML/XHTML/CSS before hand, let your WYSIWYG handle all of the actual knowledge and skill of creating pages.
After all, as you can see from old threads on yaxay, all of these brilliantly successful 13 year old web designers and sig makers DO NOT suggest hand coding, so therefore it must be the way to go.
4) The armpit of nowhere
Start pumping out the clan sites. Without any real clients, you'll need to go fishing for game clans with stupid names to be your guinea pigs.
The key here is, take the ugliest ****ing fonts you can find on the web, try and put as many of them on each layout as you can, and match it with bad colors, obscure lingo, and if possible, find a way to put an ugly set of shards in the design somewhere -- doesn't have to be relevant, just any where will do.
5) Dude no way, I'm smarter than you... I have my own design company
After you've done a few clan sites, you're pretty much ready to start your own design company. Naming connotations for these types of companies are usually <insertnamehere>LABS or <insertnamehere> Designz, some people try to get fancy with the unpronouncable words that nobody has ever heard of, but you need to find the right name for you, so good luck.
Basically, what you'll want on your design company's site, is tons of links to all of the sigs you've made for your fellow friends online. You'll also want a tutorials section detailing how even your end user could become a trendwhore designer like yourself, and start their own company. Remember, having a tutorial section IS a good idea, no matter what anybody says about "why teach people the skills you're offering them in your design?" and bull**** like that.
Oh right, and don't forget to use words like "GFX" and add 'z' to words instead of 's'. It's the big thing right now.
6) Pixar, herer I come!
By this time, you're probably ready to move into the 3D world of design. Now, there is some speculation about the best software to use, but I'm willing to bet you'll be using tutorials to create your wonderfully trendy art. Go to KaZaA (which by now, should be your best friend in this lonely world) and grab Cinema4d, Bryce 5, LightWave 7, 3D Studio Max R5 and maybe Amorphium Pro if you're lucky enough to find it.
Congrats, you now have over $10,000 in high-end 3D graphics applications, FOR FREE!
7) Screw Pixar! Ok Squaresoft, but only if I get to move to Hawaii!
Time to start doing 3D art... but remember, only use tutorials, don't you dare learn any basics of the software, and don't read any books or you'll be dead in the water. I'd suggest starting off with the tentacle tutorials, and then the shard tutorials, and then you'll want to get a little more advanced (whoa, let's not get crazy here) and learn how to make big liquid blobs!
Recycle those tutorial effects to death, and load up your portfolio with really sweet trendwhore 3d art that all looks the same. By now, you're more than half way to becoming a respected and rich web designer.
8) Get yourself a good tennis racket
Time to start spending all of your free time at lame graphics forums full of 13 year old web designers -- that is, if you don't already. [Note: talkefreelance is not one of these]
That's right folks, it's time to start putting your skills to the test by battling people all over the world who think they're pirated software is better than your pirated software.
The key to battling is this, remember never to have an original thought in your mind -- it will be the end of you. Pull out all of the trendiest things you can muster, and you will win, there is no question of that.
9) Uhh yeah... I'd love to do your site Mr. Gates... do you need any sigs done?
So you heard from your sister's boyfriend's uncle that he might need a website to advertise his brand new ceiling fan installation service. SCORE!
You call him up, and you tell him you'll meet with him to discuss it. You end up talking, and all he really needs is a layout, so you sell him one of your templates for $20. Man, you just made off like a bandit, what a sucker.. you only spent 20 hours on it, and went through 10 versions of it before the ******* at the website reviews section said he liked it. SCORE!
10) Movin' on up
So you've done the whole template thing up the ass, you've got your site all up with a tutorialz section with tons of sweet ass tuts ripped off of other sites. You've got a shoutbox with sweet obscene comments being posted daily, and you think you're ready for the business to start rolling in.
With any luck, they'll realize what a great talent you are, and how much you have to offer, and they'll just come to you!
Don't even make an attempt to advertise, spread the word, etc.
If all else fails you can just stick around on <insert lame graphics forum name here> and enter all the contests and win like $50 at a time. You can support both your trailer trash girlfriend's smoking habit, and the occasional trip to the movie theatre to see PG13 movies with your friends on this money... just don't spend it all in one place sonny.
There you have it folks, if you don't dominate this industry after following these 10 steps, I shall be very surprised.
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