[Christmas Promotion Day 2] Your best Christmas Joke!

1)

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

2)

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Thats what I call funny, lol......well i tried. :reindeer:

Im going for the quick and easy ones. :reindeer:

1.Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
"Rude"olph!

2. What kind of music do elves like best?
"Wrap" music!

3. What ride does elfs ride?
mini vans

:reindeer:

Damnit Falco you stole my joke! haha

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.

Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks.

He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."

Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

Why did the snow-scare-crow win an award?

….because he was out standing in his field.


Or then there’s the joke about the magic Christmas tractor, but I think I have told that one before.

Basically… this tractor was going down the road, then it turned into a field.

Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus

- You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
- There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the
office.
- You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a job requirement.
- Buy one big black belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
- There'd be no reason to have your colors done.
- Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
- Should people suggest your belly jiggled...when you laughed...like a
bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
- You'd always work in sensible footwear.
- There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would
remind everyone who's boss.
- You wouldn't need to buy an expensive briefcase.
- No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
- You'd never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip
showing.
- No more trips to the vending machine...you'd just snack on milk and
cookies all day.
- You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
- Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would
adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
- You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
- Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
- You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
- No one would ask to see your job description.
- Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.

Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.

Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.

Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!

I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.

Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.

Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
I know. I know. I know that people say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little biger!

Santa Claus is a Jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say "Ho! Ho! Ho!

Father to three-year old: "No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna.

Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a Clearance Sale.

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.

Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It's wound up already.

I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he'd know when to stop unwrapping.

When I was young we were poor. We didn't have a Christmas tree, we had a Christmas stump.

When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel. We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.

Christmas is a time when people get emotional over family ties, particularly if they have to wear them.

I remember my dad was chopping in a toy store. He said, "That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it."
The Clerk said, "Great, I'm sure your son will love it."

Dad said, "Maybe you're right. I'll take two."


They say that Santa comes but once a year. I can't understand that, considering all the bedrooms he visits.
Q: What do you get if you cross Raquel Welch and Santa Claus?
A: A thank you card from Santa.

Q: Why does Santa wear pink underwear?
A: He's a man. He did all his laundry in the one load.


It was so cold on Christmas Eve at the North Pole that Santa had to jump-start three of his reindeer.
Q: What do you call Santa's Helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

boy to santa : please full fill my dream and Please send me a brother.
santa to boy : ofcourse , sure , Pls send me your mother

1. Trim his tree.

2. Lick his luscious candy cane.

3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.

4. Polish his christmas balls.

5. Ride him like a reindeer.

6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.

7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.

8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.

9. Spark his menorah with a hot strip tease.

10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!

11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.

12. Gift wrap yourself in sexy lingere.

13. Unwrap his package.

14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.

15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.

16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.

17. Heat him up with a snow job.

18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.

19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.

20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.

Please note all jokes are individual