Dearest Santa,
I'd like to pre-order a lump of coal as last year I awoke to find my mother munching on the cookies I had set out for you. This in itself wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the fact that she was topless and humming 'Merry Christmas Everybody', the spice girls version. As for myself, I'd greatly appreciate an Ipod Nano, but as I have no chimney, do buzz number 12 and I'll let you in using the intercom.

I'll wait here,
Me